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He was an ordinary looking guy, but
he had led a troubled life. People often
used the term, Loser, whenever they
referred to him. But now, he seemed
somehow reborn, a new man. He had
obviously had an epiphany, and he was a
changed man. People speculated on the
how’s and why’s of his amazing
transformation. Surely this man, known
as the Loser, must have discovered
something extraordinary to bring about
such a complete change. The question on
everyone’s mind was—what was it, what
had he discovered?
The Loser was now employed as a
counselor at a correctional institution,
and he was excited to share his
revelations with others who had led
similar lives. He led three daily group
therapy sessions, each with ten to
fifteen inmates. He was developing a
reputation with the inmates as someone
who figures out the answers to questions
that we’re all struggling with. This
Loser had become the hope of the inmates
for breaking the cycle of
self-destruction they’d all been caught
within.
He had a speaking engagement at a
seminar where he was asked to share his
insights with counselors from other
correctional institutions. They hoped to
understand the methods he used for his
revolutionary approach with the inmates,
and their success. Here is what he
shared with them.
“How many of you here today can say
you’ve climbed a mountain? And of those,
how many could say they reached the
summit of Mt. Everest? Now, imagine the
people out there whose personal lives
have become their own mountain to scale,
with no tools or know-how to climb that
mountain. Unfortunately, this is the
task the inmates are required to
accomplish. The struggles of these
inmates started out like those of most
people in the general public, the
difference is, the inmates are at the
far end of the spectrum. However, the
work for everyone, inmates, and the
general public, is the same. That’s what
I want to talk to you about today.
I want you to imagine being imprisoned
behind those bars in that small cell,
witness the limitations, experience the
confinement, and feel the restrictions.
This is no different for the millions of
people who suffer the “emotional
imprisonment” of their existence. It’s a
self-made prison with transparent bars,
and your only awareness of it is your
own immense sorrow, and you suffer the
bewilderment of its unknown origin.
People have pursued many avenues in
their effort to avoid and deny their
circumstances. There is a long list of
ways for us to run from ourselves. A
partial list may include: alcohol and
drugs, eating, sex, pleasing,
perfectionism, gambling, anger,
workaholism, and religion, just to name
a few. These in turn lead to individual
boundary violations, and in many, to
acting out. It is at the stage of acting
out that we recruit many of our new
inmates.
Let’s look at the structure and
mechanics of how this operates on an
individual basis. Take Tommy for
instance. He grew up in a home with an
alcoholic father and an enabling mother.
Tommy comes from a large family, he has
eight brothers and sisters, and because
of their individual personalities, they
all chose a different way to react to
all the physical, sexual, emotional, and
psychological abuse inflicted by their
father. They may not realize it yet, but
they also suffered the abuse of their
mother’s denial, and inaction which put
the children at risk, only because she
felt helpless, and overwhelmed.
Tommy chose alcohol as his ticket to
run—to run from the insanity and pain of
home and family. By run, I’m referring
to emotional escape as a remedy for the
pain. By numbing himself with alcohol,
Tommy escaped emotionally from himself
and his surroundings. More and more, a
deep seeded sense of anger grew out of
the unresolved issues and feelings he
experienced.
Tommy didn’t realize the damage that had
been done by his father’s blaming and
shaming, creating this personal
purification within himself. It was the
shame he now felt about himself. The
pain adopted its own agendas, which led
to Tommy’s acting out. Along with this,
came a distinct pattern of perceptions,
like victimization, and always feeling
at fault, or being in the wrong. He was
now crippled by his shame and also, the
fear of being shamed by others.
He lived in a vicious circle in which
the alcohol covered the anger, the anger
pushed away the fear and shame. The
entire time, however, the pain was still
there. It never left. Then add to all of
this, the frustration of not
understanding what was happening to
himself, as well as others not
understanding him either. Soon, he was
overwhelmed by his personal shame which
was, in part, tied to a sense of
unworthiness.
This spiraling out of control worsened
as he was over-run by his mistrust of
others, as well as feeling powerless to
control or influence his life.
Unfortunately, buried at the bottom of
his mountain was the absence of any
worth, any self-worth. It was this lack
of self-worth that was the instigator of
all the other problems. If Tommy was
ever to get better, he would have to
solve this root problem, then, and only
then, would he begin to heal himself,
and take leave of his destructive
behavior.
Like Tommy, people’s real problems and
issues end up buried, and in the
mean-time, they spend their lives
chasing ghosts. Sending Tommy to anger
management classes would not resolve his
anger issues because they were based on
negative self-worth covered by anger as
a disguise. This is how and why people’s
lives are so out of control, so
miserable, and so filled with pain.”
After the seminar, people’s view and
opinion of the Loser changed in an
instant. This Loser was really a wise
man in Loser’s clothing. Everyone in the
audience knew this wise man knew what he
was talking about, because in his
attempt to enlighten them to the plight
of the inmates, he also touched the
personal demons of everyone in the
audience.
Go conquer a mountain today; it’s a good
day for climbing.
V.P. Mosser
©2001-2008 V.P. Mosser
You're welcome to use this article in
your Ezine or website as long as you
include this blurb.
Successful entrepreneur, V.P. Mosser is
the creator of the Learn the Lessons
Series, the Life's Journey publication
and numerous thought-provoking articles.
To learn more and receive free chapters
or issues, visit http://www.learnthelessons.com
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